things left unsaid

I want to tell a lot of things to the other. But something keeps on stopping me, now I think this is the perfect opportunity to articulate what I have to say.

To start with, writing is really not my thing. As a matter of fact I'm bad at it.

These past few days were horrible, to the extent that I am still working on my over-extended deadline research paper. I admit that whenever laziness strikes I can't help but to become unproductive and worthless dumbass. And found myself at the bed lying and eating a lot of carbs (poor fatass ). Now I am slowly engaging myself into something retard (singing out of tune). So, I'm planning the "next THING", telling this... you know three words eight letters blah-blah. Isn't better to do it in actions instead of telling the other verbally? This is totally absurd, I kept on asking myself and I'm sure I'm dead if I ask myself again. I've been doing it over and over. But nothings change. I am drowned here, in this disposition that no one could ever know what I am going through. I do know that things will never be the same again with me and the other. However, there's still a little hope in me, that everything happened was just a nightmare. A nightmare that could be swept away the moment I wake up to the reality. Perhaps, my reality is also my worst nightmare ever. Ha-ha! Funny crap. The other tried patching things up but I became more pessimistic about the situation, about everything. I cannot keep myself from thinking bad things, until I came into my senses that I have to deal with it as if nothing is wrong. Pretending sucks, but I have no idea on what step to take, to surpass this dilemma. I don’t want the other to be getting affected too much, because I know that it wouldn’t be healthy for us both. Sighs. My memory makes me nostalgic, but suddenly everything was ruined.

Ewan ko, SABI NILA

Sabi nila kung ang isang bagay ay hindi makakabuti sayo iwasan mo na ito agad sa simula palang. Dahil maari mo itong pagsisihan o magdulot ng di maganda sayo. Paano kaya kung nasimulan mo na? Kakayanin mo pa bang bumitaw? Parang sa sitwasyon ng mga tao sa paligid ko. Lagi ko sinasabi masarap mabuhay ng tama, yung wala kang tinatapakan. Yung tipong nagmamahal ka na walang sabit, kung may masaktan man isa sa inyo ng minamahal mo o ikaw lang. Kasi napaka sama ng pakiramdam nang nagmamahal ka nga may masasaktan naman. Ang labo pero ang linaw. Sabi nila, walang masama kung nagmamahal ka. Sabi nga sa bible ang "Diyos ay Pag-ibig" pero bakit may pagkakataon na hindi pwede? Kahit magmahal mali? Hindi ito usapan ng pagiging "kerida" o "kabit". Halimbawa nalang mahal ng isang taong malapit sayo. Alam niyong gusto niyo ang isa't-isa pero hindi pwede dahil alam ninyo na may masasaktan. Dapat ka pa bang magmahal? Ano ba talaga ang importante ang nararamdaman niyo niyo o ang mararamdaman o sasabihin ng iba? Sakit lang sa ulo. Nakakapagod kaya magisip kahit nakahiga ka lang buong araw. Nakakagutom. Nakakapayat. Nakaka-depress ikanga. Hay.. SAbi niyong nga sakin, kailan pa naging mali umibig? Ang hirap. Pero madali lang. Eh kasalanan nila sinimulan pa. Kung nagisip lang sana sila. Pero nagmamahal lang naman. Sino ba talaga ang tama? Ano ba talaga ang tama? Kailangan bang may masaktan pa? Eh di wag nalang magmahal. Ay ang pangit naman ata. Sarili kong opinion. Depende padin. Ang pag-ibig ay give and take, kailangan natin matutunan na magparaya, pero paano naman tayo? Dito papasok na Love is sacrifice. Ang hirap no. Wala naman kasing madali talaga. Ngunit kung gagamitin natin ang isip mas madali. Diba pag nagmamahal dapat ang puso ginagamit? Sundin ang nararamdaman o sinasabi ng puso. Teka, diba mas mataas ang isip? Pero sabi nila "The mind goes where the world leads it, The heart goes where it wants to go" So nasusunod ba talaga ang puso? Ngeh. Malabo padin..

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do it fast

its really sucks big time when someone keeps you hanging. you've been waiting for something that you have no guarantee or assurance that it will come. the moment will pass you by without noticing that you've been striving to attain something you hoped for a long time. then you will find yourself trying hard to fill whats missing. picking up the pieces. it adds to the pain when you look back and it will cling to you again all the memories that once made you forget all the bad things. and at the end of the day, it was you, still you you will decide whether you hold on to the bitter-sweet or just go on thinking what might have been? no matter what you do its gonna be painful. and again it is you you will answer this questions, questions that will be left unanswered. will you take the courage of finding out the answer? or just leave it? it's hard. it's like the sweetest poison that kills you slowly. can it just go away? like a wind blowing? no. you have to get through it. it's like an homework do it later or sooner it will be there it won't go away so you have to feel it and deal with it. if you already got over it, the next time you will be doing your homeworks it would be easier for you since you have already encountered it. once you experienced it the next logical thing to do is to make improvements for a better you. coz it would never be easy. just like waiting. for nothing. am i making sense here?

Just my crap

Afternoon to evening
Outside dining
Friend Reading
I am writing
My pencil is spinning
On a paper moving
Cars are parking
Stars are shining
Air is breezing
I am waiting

My phone is ringing
Someone is calling
Words inviting
Said you'll be coming
I am waiting

Beverage stirring
Coffee brewing
The wind is blowing
Sky is almost crying
And I am waiting

The lights are dying
The store is closing
Tears are falling
Would you still be coming?
Because I am still waiting